Log in

[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Feral Manbeast of the Wood's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Thursday, May 26th, 2016
2:11 pm
Wanting a purpose.

I am bored with life and life and have no sense of purpose. There are things down the road that I would like to do but as of now I feel like I am working, eating, and shitting just so that I can continue to exist. I know there are people who would be very upset if I were to not be around so I just have to keep doing this in hopes that something changes at some point.

All I can figure on is to do things that are supposed to be a kindness to myself until things turn around. Kind of like making a hospital patient more comfortable.

I am tired of having my failed marriage on my mind all the time. It is my first thought when I wake up.

My friends are tired of hearing about it. They seem to want me to move on and just be happy and positive but that is pretty much easier said than done. So in order to not alienate people I am just going to keep it to myself for a while.

Wednesday, May 25th, 2016
12:03 pm

I found out recently the divorce papers are on their way. Looking forward to being done with it.

I am doing better than I was. It goes back and forth. Kind of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Sometimes I get really toilet for a couple days.

Something that does stay consistant is the constant feeling that I am going to be incapable of romantic love. After all I have been through, knowing that the person who says they love me has the potential of just setting me aside like garbage is going to make me doubt the way any woman says she feels about me.

I mean, I hope I am wrong. I just dont think I am capable of hearts and flowers anymore.

On the plus side, being single allows me freedom that I didn't have before. I am not completely free because I have a kid and he is always going to tether me to my shitty hometown area but I can still leave for periods of time to travel. Jeff has been helping me with financial advice to budget or a 6 month hike on the Appalachian Trail. I have a good chance of going next March.

Oh and my libido is still fucked but slightly better. Being cheated on and sexually discouraged and insulted by someone you trusted will do that. If I am going to live sexless at least it's not in a failing marriage with a selfish person

There's alot more going on but I will save it for another time. It's not all bad. I am gonna be alright even if my love life is possibly dead forever.

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013
12:31 am
Adding to this mess.
It's important to try your best with whatever art it is you do, but it's death to contemplate it's merit. I can't get caught up in thinking too long about it. I don't think my music is meant to be listened to. It's more for me than anyone else.

I work on a song, listen to it a hundred times, love it intensely, and then it becomes something worn out and full of flaw to my ears. I feel like a new man now that I'm writing again, so I can't be too hard on my output.

It's all pretty terrible but it makes me feel better and that's valid.

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
6:31 pm
Im at work right now and they are changing out the carpet. It's about as slow here as it was at GNC. Good news for my biggest fan scott is that im gonna be bored enough to update more often. Even if that means typing this all out on my ipad. I'm now remembering how lethargic i start to feel doing work like this. Lot of time sitting down and waiting for customers to come in. I'm going to have to start working out. I'm getting fat and lazy again. I'd like to be a trim and tattoed drummer on stage, so i have work to do.

I have tomorrow off. Perhaps i will get up early and set up my gym equipment in the corner opposite from my practice space in the basement. I have alot that i'd like to do tomorrow.

1 work out
2 practice drums
3 write new bass lines for a couple of my songs
4 set a new personal donkey kong high score
Monday, May 23rd, 2011
1:48 am
I have a new job. I learned nothing from my mistakes. Everything will always work out for me, so why worry?

My donkey kong machine is mocking me. I keep trying to get up the motivation to play it, but I can't bring myself to turn it on. It's a long way to the top of the mountain. That kill screen is so far out of reach.

In a stroke of genius, I think I've decided to take the Zombie band in an interesting direction. I've picked up a drumset at a garage sale. I spent like 30 hours cleaning it upand getting all the rust off. I'm getting proficient at playing them. I'm pretty excited about the plan, I will be testing it out on my ipad tomorrow. The idea is to have just drums bass and vocals. The bass will have alot of effects on it, and there will be a bit of a minimalist approach to it. Simple, artsy. I've seen it done by some other bands to good effect and I'm certain I can do it.

There's my update. Sorry for losing steam. It's just kind of tough to motivate myself to keep up on it. I don't feel any real personal reward doing this.
Wednesday, May 11th, 2011
9:07 pm
Here's where i vent again. I'm 28 and every day of my life now I babysit the clinically fucking stupid. People who can't figure out the simplest functions on a mobile device. This shit isn't hard. I don't consider myself to be a very smart person. I get by. I'm socially shit awkward, and I may just be a sociopath. Just a little bit.

I have a son out there somewhere, and I gave up on ever being a part of his life. Every paycheck I get reminds me of daddy's little deduction. I have weird ass dreams on occasion that involve his mom. I don't like going into it. I consider these to be nightmares. Anything involving that bitch is a nightmare.

My silly ass Zombie song was written during a period where I was coping. Trying to make the best of things. Those Zombies that ate my brain? They are all of these fucking people who are gnawing away at my sanity.

I started off ok enough. My parents were terrible. I grew up moving around and thus socially awkward. My dad layed his fucking thumb down on me and never let me grow up. I went into the arms of a crazy person and had a kid because I had a low self image. I've spent these last couple years trying to do my best impression of a human being. The truth? I'm never all that happy. I fake the shit out of it, and even sometimes fool the shit out of myself.

I live every day of my life filled with an equal mix of guilt, loathing, and restlessness. At my best I don't take anything seriously. When I can get that on a roll, I seem to be happy.

It's really sad to think that I'm the happiest when I finally get myself fooled.

There's your update folks. They can't all be funny. They can't all be happy.
Thursday, May 5th, 2011
11:59 pm
ffffff (me being a grumpy dick)
I don't feel like posting, but i haven't in a while, so in old fashioned LJ tradition, I'm copy and pasting a chat log. This is me telling my old friend Danny that I do not want to larp this weekend. Because I don't. Scott's a fan of Jordan being a grumpy dick on lj, so I'm delivering.

Report · 11:24pm
i'd actually be up for npcing this event if it wasn't for it
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:24pm
I should have warned you.
Report · 11:25pm
huh about what
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:26pm
About how much a pain in the ass a team is.
Report · 11:26pm
it's not like we haven't been there before
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:26pm
LMAO..fine. You should have known.
Report · 11:26pm
i'd call us more of a collective group of bickering fucktards
fucking nerds
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:27pm
We give them too much leash.
Report · 11:27pm
well shit's gonna be interesting this weekend
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:27pm
That it will be.
Report · 11:27pm
i'm not coming in happy
and i don't care who's character i piss off
i'm starting to question the whole team theory, things always seem to boil down better with an adventuring party
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:29pm
Which we basically have been. Attendance has barely broke party size.
Report · 11:30pm
i am not prepared at all
tomorrow is going to suck dick
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:30pm
I have a few things to do still.
Report · 11:36pm
i'm not sure what i'm packing
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:37pm
Report · 11:37pm
our team is entirely constructed of tards
armor is kind of a fucking mess right now
i could barely wear it last time
shit's uncomfortable
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:37pm
Mostly tards. Tards come more.
Report · 11:37pm
to top off the shit cake, i have to be up at 6 tomorrow for a 7-9 meeting and be back at 1:00
which means i have to get together all my garbage
i am going to smash someone in the face with my warhammer for real
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:39pm
I will be up at 4:30. Work at 1. THEN I have to meet Stephan for the stink ride.
I find if I chew minty gum I smell his armpits less.
Report · 11:40pm
why do we even do this
that sounds horrible
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:40pm
Once in game I don't think about not having a license, working in a hot dog factory or rarely seeing my kids.
Report · 11:41pm
that's pretty sweet
this is going to be one of those me brooding weekends, i can feel it
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:42pm
Oh hey, IF I have to work Sunday, can I grab a lift back to this way? Stephan will wanna do all kinds of fucking dishes. I can get gas and lunch.
Report · 11:42pm
only because it's you
anyone else would go fuck themselves
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:43pm
Thanks. Hopefully I am off.
Report · 11:43pm
yeah it will be shitty if that's the case, but whatever
when will you know
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:44pm
Tonight/tomorrow sometimes. Tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
Report · 11:44pm
i kind of wanted to fuck off and leave after everything ended
i'd rather skip the sunday faggotry
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:45pm
it's an Evan event. I will be stunned if anything goes down.
Report · 11:46pm
i just gave alexis shit on her last fb post
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:48pm
It didn't come up on mine. What did you say?
Report · 11:49pm
alexis: to all my friends who are out seeing thorn right now or will be this weekend. SHHHHHH i don't get to see it yet.
me: Thorn is not a movie!
[Danny Mcvehil]
Report · 11:50pm
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011
1:38 am
Get Your Gun
comin up from their below
rising from the grave
bustin out the pinewood box
simple minded slaves

they, the ones you knew and loved
they, the ones you hate
they, you can't forget em now
can't wish them away

your bestest friend
an old goodbye
comin on in waves

stomach turning
filled with rats
craving only brains

nothin will stop them get your shotgun
nothin will stop them get your shotgun

what have all our best laid plans
brought upon us now
we're sick, we're dead, we're in your head
we will not be defeated

nothin will stop them get your shotgun
nothin will stop them get your shotgun


The start of some lyrics. I write my best after midnight when I need to be sleeping. I wish I could harness this at more sensible times of day.
Sunday, May 1st, 2011
11:32 pm
I really am not all that motivated to post, so I'll do my best.

Shit, I think that was my best.

The interesting thing about this new post more than you can on facebook is that it makes you reflect on your day. Did you make the most of your day?

There's always more that you could have done. I screwed around at work with everyone else when I could have been reading up on product information to be better equipped to field questions at work. I could have recorded some stuff today, but I ran out of energy and took a nap. Even now, I could be doing something more productive than posting here.

I could have gotten up early and worked out.

But then I'd be the asshole who lived life to the fullest and was smug about it, so you know what? Fuck it.
12:12 am
i'm 25th in the district at work now which puts me a bit above the middle of the pack. Makes me feel baller.

Still working on finding my voice. I uploaded a new take today of ZAMB. I alternate between a deep voice and a manic crazy voice. There's a sinister part in there too. Craig and I are discussing visual styles, possibly a rockabilly feel to the whole thing. Not sure, just feeling it out.

i'm going to keep working on this until i make it happen. mark my words, there will be Nightmare Recital lunchboxes.
Thursday, April 28th, 2011
11:08 pm
had a lazy day, nothing sold whatsoever. Morning meeting moved to today. This means I have a true day off tomorrow.

Did some research and looked for an amp today for the guitar. My check looks fat, so i'll be able to hit scotty back.

Worked on singing and playing. I'm much better at it these days, so i'll be able to do the frontman guitar thing. I seem to sing the song better while playing.

Scott came over and I got drunk and played nintendo. He watched.

I love you all. Fart.

Current Mood: content
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
9:25 pm
no need for subjects
One renewal today, bunch of headaches beyond that. Good ATR (accessory take rate) though. I've just about hit my numbers. Next month, my commission check will look just fine.

It's occurred to me today that I have a shopping list now...

1. Show-worthy guitar amp and whatever it takes to get that punky Misfits distortion.

2. PA system

3. Zombie makeup supplies and mask making supplies to fuel Craig. I'd like to look fairly authentic.

There will be a few other things here and there. I may just break down and get a drumset too. The basement will have to be set up for band nonsense. I'll have to start looking for a drummer, but I'll wait for the songs to get written.

I'll leave you with the revised lyrics to our first song...

Zombies ate my Brains

Zombies ate my brains away early on this week
now i'm having changes, but don't you worry bout me
cause I don't have to go to work, in fact, i don't even sleep
and I don't have to comb my hair or even brush my teeth

The Zombies ate my brains x4

Zombies walk a little stiff but that ain't really bad
my old friends don't come around but that don't make me sad
you know who your real friends are, when times get a little tough
but now I've got my Zombie band, and we go fuck shit up

The Zombies ate my brains x4

The first vocal take came off a little whiny, so I'm gonna work on something more befitting. I'm going to take a page from LARPing and make a character out of this. I'm considering something I can have sticking in my head, like a spike or something.
1:25 am
kicking ass
work went well today. 4 renewals and an activation, not bad.

I post to you tonight with a celebratory beer in my reach, I've found my musical calling for the foreseeable future. I've enlisted an old friend to play bass in my upcoming 3 piece band. I'll be doing a concept album about zombies. I'll play guitar, sing, and write the majority of the music, and Craig will do bass and use his makeup artist skills to transform us into the undead.

Zombied out, we'll berate the living crowd and tell them how delicious they look. It'll be a sight. Just need a live drummer to round us out.

I post late and sloppy because I just got home. I met him up at sweetwaters to show him my sample song and pitch the idea to him. He's totally on board. This will be fun.

Current Mood: artistic
Monday, April 25th, 2011
9:50 pm
I did well at work. 3 renewals and 3 activations. It was an eventful day.

My new trench coat came in. I dunno how to feel about it. It makes me look badass, but I'm getting to the age where I'm self conscious about the extra attention or wierd looks it may attract. Then I remember that I strait just don't give a fuck. I like my new coat. Deal with it. At some point it's fun to dress like a dick.

I tried to do some music when I came home, but wasn't really feeling it. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to crank out music and lyrics when I don't really feel strongly about all the gay shit people write songs about. I think at some point you have to fake it or be at least a little pretentious to get the job done. Maybe I should just write instrumentals. Seems less valid to write music without lyrics.

I need a gimmick.

Current Mood: pensive
Sunday, April 24th, 2011
11:02 pm
Here we are again
So Scott and Trina are doing this again. I keep trying to get away from expressing myself because of the of the ridiculousness that I end up typing as a result. I can't believe that the mess that was my life is still immortalized here.

I've gotten away from this sort of thing. It's easier to just roll through life without thinking about it. I've started feeling a bit Nihilistic about my feelings because I don't' feel they help. My feelings generally are angry or emo, and honestly who needs to drag that ball and chain around when you can just be awesome instead?

These days I'd rather laugh then cry. I can't be bothered to watch a drama or action movie. I watch cartoons and funny bullshit. Welcome to jaded adulthood.

On another note, I'm trying to do music again. I have no clue why other than it's fun. I'd like to play it with some guys and do the band thing again, but I can't stand the idea of spending all the time and effort and have no one give a flying fuck or talk shit about my douchey band. I wonder if I could ever get anywhere doing the one man band thing, put my shit on iTunes. I'd probably have to have a good gimmick.

Current Mood: blah
Friday, January 9th, 2009
9:21 am
My journal still exists... strannnge
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
2:06 am
since no one reads this shit anymore anyway
almost finished with the album

wrote a girl a song and she strait up laughed at it

been 72 days since easter when heather left me and took my kid. i am yet to find a date despite all of my greatest efforts.

tried to drink myself sick tonight. didn't work out too well.
Friday, November 16th, 2007
3:35 pm
Sunday, October 28th, 2007
11:15 pm
Looking for...
I'm building something evil... anyone have any plywood, 2x4's, sheet metal, or an offbrand playstation 1 controller I can have as a donation?

thanks a bunch!
Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
1:44 am
it is infinately frustrating to have everyone including yourself know that there is something intrinsically wrong with you and not being to figure out how to do something about it.
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com